Dear Dr. Judy,
I've been seeing a man for three years and we just got engaged. I never knew he was dissatisfied with me in bed, but the other night when we were making love he turned the stereo up until the sound was deafening. When I complained, he said sarcastically that my silence was deafening him! We got into an argument and I nearly broke the engagement. I'm 32 and only been with a few men before, but they never complained. Am I abnormal to be quiet in sex and am I right being so upset?
Certainly your fiance was clumsy complaining about your sexual silence. Sexual criticism hurts: NEVER deliver it in bed. ALWAYS describe what you'd love to happen and explain how that would make you feel. He should have whispered in your ear one night when you were feeling especially confident, "Honey, I love when you make noises. It lets me know you are enjoying yourself so I can feel good that I am pleasing you." Be sympathetic about your fiance's need for reassurance. Most people -- not just if they're insecure -- like to know their partner is pleased and look for feedback. If making noise is not your style, give him feedback in another way, like movements of facial expressions. Many people, like your fiance, also find heavy breathing and orgasmic cries arousing. To please him, can you learn to vocalize more? I hear from many women who are inhibited about letting out moans and groans. Practice. Start with solitary nonsexual situations: sigh while sinking into a hot bath, say "aah" while applying body cream after your bath. Rehearse different sounds: low purrs like a cat, high-pitched calls like a bird. Feel your body vibrate consonant with the sounds. Sounds stimulate body sensations that in turn stimulate sensuality. Hum "I feel good" and "I love you." Once you're more comfortable, surprise him.
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