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Thursday
Jun092011

Weiner’s Wife’s Pregnancy triggers Madonna-Prostitute Syndrome 

Shamed Congressman Weiner's sex urges might get worse when baby comes.

Huma Abedin was one wife caught up in her political husband’s sex scandal who surprisingly did not “stand by her man” – at least at his press conference where her Congressman-hubby admitted to techno-sex with numerous women even when newly wed. But with news of her pregnancy, it appears she really will stand with her man. 

 

Described by colleagues as an Alpha woman, and a powerful political figure herself (as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s close aide called her “secret weapon” during Clinton’s Presidential run), Huma does not theoretically have to stick with a techno-cheater.  Especially when he carried on under her nose, pictured on their couch, with their cats (he crudely called “pussies”), in front of the family photos.  (Weiner doesn’t get a pass for not having physical contact, as he tried to rationalize).   

 

But even Alpha women have reasons to stick with a misbehaving man. They may be emotionally dependent, have cultural or familial pressures, convince themselves they “love” him, or hope he’ll change.     

 

More often, they stay for the children. Now Huma has their baby on the way.

 

Should she still stay with her baby daddy?  Odds are, she will, for now.  Being a mother for the first time alone is not easy.  There’s also the child to consider; it’s better to have a repenting father than none at all.  

 

Huma should, however, insist that her wanderlust Weiner go into therapy. The cheating Congressman needs to delve deep into the reasons why he sacrificed everything to satisfy sexual and psychological urges. His explanation that his actions were simply “frivolous” and “dumb” is frivolous itself.

 

It’s more like narcissism and exhibitionism, with an added sense of entitlement, poor impulse control and exceptional poor judgment. 

 

While the condition of sex addiction has of late been grossly misused as an excuse in celebrated cases (infamously by lotharios like Tiger Woods), the criteria fits Weiner in three ways:  inability to control (stop) the behavior; acting out that causes trouble with  relationships and career; and getting in trouble with the law. 

 

Controlling the urges, as all 12-step programs for addiction direct, is a “one day at a time”trial. 

 

Very interestingly, men like Weiner suffer from what’s called the “Madonna-prostitute” syndrome (not Madonna the rock star, but Madonna the mother of Jesus) -- which only gets worse as the pregnancy progresses and when the child arrives.  The man splits women into two distinct roles – the pure mother figure who nurtures his child and takes care of him, and the sexpot who indulges his every sex fantasy and behavior.  He feels compelled to keep the wife/mother figure “pure”, so he finds other women for “wild” sex or whom he can defile. 

 

To cure this syndrome, the man has to admit he’s splitting, and allow his partner to be warm (nurturing) and also hot.

 

Such men also have to explore fears of intimacy. Their “approach-avoidance” towards women “equal” to them, and choice of younger prey, porn stars or prostitutes, usually betrays low self esteem and intimidation underlying bravado and false confidence. Inside he feels the gorgeous, successful woman couldn’t possibly go for the “nerd” he remembers he once was in high school.  Now he recaptures teenagehood nad raging hormones, making up for missed opportunity, acting like a stud, cashing in on his power position that women would fall for. Consequently, the man is only comfortable with women “beneath” them or over whom they can exert power without fear of competition or criticism.     

 

The couple also needs marriage counseling.  Since Weiner said his wife knew about his internet antics before they tied the knot and since his behavior continued, she needs to explore what in her judgment or self-esteem allowed her to put up with it or to be blind to the signs or his lies (no matter how good a pathological liar he is). 

 

Such couples also need sex therapy, with homework like setting aside time to be lovers and not just parents, and how to satisfy sexual needs not currently being met in the union (Weiner even said certain women would not engage in certain sexual acts).

 

Can Weiner be reformed?  Tough case, in my opinion. Strong fantasies and needs as those revealed in the sextexts and phone sex can be suppressed but persist, especially when the need is so strong to have his body parts, and his self, adored by many women.  Those needs do not go away without intense therapy and a strong desire to change.  

 

My advice: Go to acting classes, to get attention (he’s good at acting anyway). Throw himself into extreme sports to get his thrills, take risks and drain sexual energy. Hitting the wall in running releases the highs from the rush of pleasure-chemicals (endorphins) that are as pleasurable as orgasm.

 

Write a book about your life. Get a TV show like disgraced former NY governor Spitzer.

 

Other dangers foretell that their sex life could get worse.  As a new mother spends more time and attention on the baby, the man feels more deprived, frustrated and resentful, and seeks satisfaction elsewhere.        

 

The new mother is also too tired for sex, or hates her fuller or flabbier body. 

 

If the baby was not planned, the working mother may also resent that she cannot pursue her career.

 

Some couples gamble that having a child will cement their commitment and stave off a man’s urge to stray. This last ditch effort often does not work.   

 

Other betrayed political spouses provide opposing role models.  Elizabeth Edwards stuck it out until the end (her sad death from cancer) despite Presidential hopeful John Edward’s long-time affair and love child with a former employee. On the other hand, Edwards’ lover, Rielle Hunter, now raising that love child, is now dumping him (as he faces indictment), willing to go it alone. 

 

Maria Shriver knew about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s behavior – the press exposed his groping and harassing other women years ago, even during Maria’s pregnancy with four children.  She stayed, long suffering – until finally he was out of office and her father and her uncle Teddy Kennedy - who reportedly suggested she stay since Kennedy women stand by their men -- was dead. 

 

Huma could suffer a similar long-suffering fate, if Weiner does not get rehabilitated.   

When newly married and childless, it would have been easier to kick a louse to the curb. For now, Huma needs to give Weiner a second chance.  But if bad behavior rears its ugly head at any point, she should not fall victim again, and instead of standing by her man, she should stand up for herself.      

Wednesday
Jun082011

More of Dr. Judy on Anthony Weiner's Sext Scandal 

Tuesday
Jun072011


Tuesday
Jun072011

Monday
May302011

Lights Go Out as Songwriter Commits Suicide at time when Father and Son both Face Serious Assault Charges

     73-year old Oscar-wining songwriter James Brooks and his musician son Nicolas, 25, both faced assault charges – until the father trumped the law by ending his life.  On HLN’s Issues show, Jane Velez Mitchell asked me, “Is it coincidence or bad blood?”

    My answer:

     There is a genetic predisposition to violence, aggression and even suicide. The father was luring Hollywood hopefuls to his apartment and forcing them to have sex, and the son was charged with murdering his designer girlfriend in a fancy New York hotel.

     Psychologically, behaviors are usually a mix of “nature-nurture.” Some determinants are in the genes and a proportion is learned by experience or example.

    Brooks, the “You Light Up my Life” songwriter, won an Academy Award in 1977 for his cheery tune but his life hardly matched his lyrics. His horrific demise is worse than the story lines of the cancelled ABC-TV soaps. The skeletal elderly man  (looking like death warmed over, likely from years of drug abuse) died from a crude home-made “suicide kit” (also called an “exit bag”) that causes asphyxiation by wrapping a plastic dry-cleaning bag around his head, with a tube attached to a helium gas tank.

     My suspicion:

     Though it was officially called a suicide, could someone else have been involved? Brooks was feeble from two strokes and reportedly couldn’t even open a juice bottle he purchased that morning, so how could he wrap a towel tightly around his neck, which was part of the “helium hood” contraption to insure he got gassed?  Besides, the gruesome technique is described in online euthanasia how-to’s – and euthanasia usually means “assisted suicide.” On top of that, a woman had supposedly been helping him lure the women into his sordid lair.

     Committing suicide in that manner is rare; people do asphyxiate themselves in cars but it is far more common, and less elaborate, to overdose. Psychologically the method of suicide always has some significance; for example, it matters how violent the action was (a self-inflicted gunshot obviously reflects more anger than quietly going to sleep after taking pills). Also, the asphyxiation method has a sexual component -- considering that helium gets people high, which was consistent with Brooks’ sexual perversion.  

     Clearly this sad rapist had nothing to live for.  There are plenty of examples of people who are facing legal charges they clearly will not beat, who take their own life rather than face conviction and consequences.   

     My good friend Jane Velez Mitchell likes to call such stories “cautionary tales” and  indeed this is one. Women need to stop falling prey to bad men (even Brooks’ daughter called him a bully, scary and intimidating) Hollywood hopefuls need to stop falling falling into the casting couch.

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